July 6, 2016 by Zuri
Lately, I’ve been watching my feed on Facebook, the comments, the photos. I see babies being born, couples being formed, vacation photos. There are smiling faces. There is joy.
I look at my feed, and you don’t really see that, at least, I don’t think you do? The last smiling photo I can remember was taken at Busch Gardens. I wasn’t happy. I was exhausted. I wanted so badly to be happy, even if just to make the people around me happy.
I don’t feel happiness. Once, I was told that I lacked the “happiness gene”. I do what I can to find my personal joy, but it’s never there. My paintings don’t bring me joy. I try to create things – crafts, jewelry, etc. – but creation is hollow.
I don’t know if maybe all the medication I’m on is dulling me, making me incapable of feeling that joy. There is such a pervasive detachment, this emptiness, that some days it’s all I can do to open my eyes.
Life hurts. My muscles hurt, my joints, my skin, my skull, my mind, my soul – it’s all drowning in pain and emptiness. I’m unsure of where to go from here. What do you do when you’ve lost the joy in your life? What could possibly keep you going? Why would you stay?