October 27, 2011 by Zuri
Starting this blog, I realized that not only would have to document the good, but I would have to share the bad as well. This is going to be one of those posts.
I’ve suffered from bipolar disorder since my teens, and today I woke up with in a crushing depression. I didn’t have enough cash this week to refill one of my prescriptions, so I’ve been taking 1/3 of a dose all week, trying to stretch until Friday. Today, I couldn’t do anything except curl up with my cat and my stuffed bear. My alarm went off for my daily walk and I ignored it. It took me another two hours before I could summon up the strength of will to even sit down at my computer to start writing this. I’m still writing this, three hours after that.
I feel like I’ve failed in the simplest of goals. I didn’t think “walk for the next five days” was too difficult. Maybe my expectations are too high? I’m finding myself increasingly frustrated by my inability to keep up with the changes I’m trying to make in my diet and lifestyle. My budget isn’t keeping up with my diet, and I’m running out of non-meats well before our next payday. It’s all feeling like an exercise in futility at this point, and I’m not sure where to go next.
It might be the truth. It might be the bipolar disorder talking. I don’t know. I just know that for something that I want so badly, it’s seemingly so unattainable. Maybe tomorrow, it’ll be easier. Who is to say?